11th July 2020 was the first day of club cricket in England since the coronavirus outbreak – a momentous occasion that brought one Cumbrian man the most impressive bowling figures of his life, immortalised on screen when announced by Mike Atherton on-air during England’s Test match with the West Indies. Daisy Cutter used our local contacts to track down the elusive Hugh for an exclusive interview, with some questions submitted by our loyal daisies.
Lovely to meet you Hugh, thanks so much for taking the time to talk to us. It’s great to talk to a fellow Cumbrian, I’m from Appleby-in-Westmorland myself.
Appleby eh? I’ve played cricket there, not a fan, the pitch is next to a river and you always end up bowling to a man called “Spud” or something ridiculous. Can you imagine? Makes a mockery of the thing.
We’ll just dive right in with the questions then.
Cheers.
6-9 is fantastic – how did you do it?
Cricket is a very simple game. Bowl well, take wickets. I didn’t bowl well, I bowled exceptionally. Plus the numbers have been down in the Jennings Brewery Allerdale Saturday Cricket League for quite some time now and two of the batters for the opposition side were still at school. That shouldn’t be held against them though. If you’re good enough, you’re old enough. Sachin Tendulkar was 17 when he got his first test century. I’m not saying the standard of opposition was quite that high, but you can only play what is put in front of you.
The elephant in the room – was it difficult growing up with a name like Hugh Jardon? Did you ever consider changing your name?
Why would I ever consider changing my name? When Pele grew up in extreme poverty in the favelas of Três Corações did that stop him? There’s your answer. I’m not comparing myself to Pele, that is a conclusion for others to draw, though I will note that Pele has never taken 6-9 in the Jennings Brewery Allerdale Saturday Cricket League.
In terms of difficulty growing up with the name yes, there was a level of hand-wringing and some juvenile comments about it, but the people who said that were often low-educated pondlife whom I pity. What I will say was it was difficult growing up as the black sheep of the family, with nobody else to share my struggles with due to them all having normal names. Next question please.
Who inspired you to get into cricket?
My grandparents on my maternal side were very well regarded in the local cricket scene. You can’t go far in Allerdale cricket without seeing an Oxbig on the honours board, and Grandad Mike was one of the very very best around. And Darren Gough.
How did it feel to have respected cricketers laughing at you on TV when you’d just got the best bowling figures of your life?
Michael Atherton was just doing his job, I have nothing but respect for him. As for the others I don’t know what they were laughing at. With everything that was going on in the world at that time I don’t think it was appropriate to laugh. “Let laughter be thy medicine” the Bible says- you try laughing your way through hemorrhoids. The whole Sky Sports team lost a fan that day.
People were laughing in the clubhouse too, presumably at how appalling their behaviour was rather than at my name, which is a normal name and not funny in the slightest. Lots of people are called Hugh.
How has fame changed you?
The benefit of being heard, not seen, has been of great comfort to me. I know what fame does to local people. William Wordsworth was by all accounts a really nasty piece of work. I don’t know if you can legally print this but there are things about him that are open secrets in the local community that would make a sailor blush let me tell you – and he did too – many times if rumours are to be believed.
Ben Stokes offered me a place on the red carpet at the premiere of his Amazon documentary. I turned it down because 911 were performing at the Carnegie Theatre in Workington – opportunities don’t come along like that very often.
Do you feel a kinship with Jimmy Glass? (Andy, Cumbria)
Because he has a silly name? I don’t like these questions.
Cockermouth, that’s Ben Stokes’ old club isn’t it – have you ever played against him? What’s he really like?
Stokes moved to England at the age of 12[4] after his father was appointed head coach of Workington Town rugby league club, and grew up in the small West Cumbrian town of Cockermouth, attending Cockermouth School and playing cricket for Cockermouth Cricket Club.[12] He dropped out of the state school aged 16 with just one GCSE, in physical education.
I’ve never met Ben Stokes.
Do you get annoyed that people confuse you with Jarvo 69? (Sam, London)
Jarvo knows my feelings about him. I’ve made them very very clear to the man on numerous occasions, be it through anonymous phone calls or strongly worded legal letters sent through my solicitor. Cricket is my life for me, for Jarvo it is just a punchline, and boy do I wish somebody would punch him.
I play cricket, Jarvo mocks it. I contribute to society, Jarvo is a leech on societal resources. I am a national treasure, Jarvo is a national embarrassment.
I’m fine with people confusing me with him though.
Have you ever been down Carlisle’s dry ski slope?
No
As a West Cumbrian, who come out top in the legendary rivalry, Workington or Whitehaven?
Neither. Both places should be consigned to the dustbin of history.
Would you recommend Cockermouth for a holiday? (Rose, London)
When people from abroad travel to this country do they go to Woking instead of London? Livingston instead of Edinburgh? Carlisle has mainland Britain’s first ever postbox. Keswick has the largest* ever pencil**. What is there to see in Cockermouth? A sign that has been vandalised by puerile children? No thank you.
My dream holiday for a visitor from afar would be a train to Carlisle, a visit to its two Wetherspoons on the same street; a trip down the dry ski slope which is wonderful and of which I have many cherished childhood memories; and then I would go to the house formerly owned by Roxanne Pallett from Emmerdale, before getting the train down the coast to beautiful Workington and Whitehaven. I would never willingly visit Cockermouth.
*coloured **in Europe
What’s your favourite flavour of crisp?
Cheese XL crisps are my life, my saviour, my one true god. Brothers and sisters, lovers and haters, family and neighbours – all united by the greatest crisps on the market today. They are the only reason I would ever tell anybody to visit West Cumbria, although they can also be bought in Carlisle at that shop that sells cigars to teenagers and that somehow still has Toffos and Mars Planets in stock.
(Editors Note: there is no evidence of this being the case and anything said in this interview was said by Hugh Jardon and does not represent the views of Daisy Cutter. We apologise wholeheartedly to the noble gentlemen of Brucciani, fighting the scourge of vapes one teen at a time.)
Have you ever been to Sellafield? Do you think the proximity to nuclear waste has an impact on sporting ability?
This is a very loaded question and I do not like the tone. There is no evidence of inbreeding or mutation from Sellafield workers if that’s what you are insinuating. Sellafield has been a wonderful lifeline for people in the local community. When Homer Simpson works at a nuclear power plant he’s regarded as a blue collar working class hero, when Colin from Whitehaven gets a job there he is met with derision from the sniveling upper classes. Men are allowed to laugh, Sellafield workers are merely allowed to chuckle.
In terms of impact on sporting ability all I will say is that the extra fingers from the children of Sellafield workers (which has nothing to do with nuclear waste by the way) does make them excellent slip fielders.
What would you say to young cricketers who have been inspired by you?
Be courageous. Challenge orthodoxy. Stand up for what you believe in. When you are in your rocking chair talking to your grandchildren many years from now, be sure you have a good story to tell. Reach for the sun and you might still end up playing in the stars. Set goals and beat them. Search for glass ceilings and shatter them in to a million pieces.
As Winston Churchill once said: Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
I would also suggest getting in to darts instead, there’s a lot of money to be made in it and you don’t have to stand outside for 4 days at a time.
Hugh Jardon just wants to be left alone, or failing that, a lucrative commentary job
Ildikó Connell can be found @daisycutterzine but she only wrote the questions
Daisy Cutter 
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